


how do I face it, knowing you aren't there

by eenimeeniminimo



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, DreamSMP - Freeform, Exile, Family, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Reconciliation, Thank me later, lmanberg, this is to heal your emotional wounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28140906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eenimeeniminimo/pseuds/eenimeeniminimo
Summary: tubbo knows that tommy is dead. that his friend is gone. it is certainty.and it's destroying him.he's only human after all.(tubbo thinks tommy is dead due to a misunderstanding. it turns out not to be the case.)
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & Toby Smith | Tubbo, No Romantic Relationship(s), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Comments: 12
Kudos: 313





	1. now that you're gone

**Author's Note:**

> need emotional healing

sometimes it feels like youre standing on the edge of a cliff, leaning against the precipice. 

as tubbo watches the light oak coffin slowly be lowered into the ground his mind is blank. in his mind he is hanging, hanging on the edge of the steep stormy sides of his mind.

he didn't know it was possible to feel this numb. to some how have the weight of the world on your shoulders and yet feel not even a pound of it.

all of the fire that had lit his heart was gone, the passion that had filled his speech long since left.

yes he had lmanberg but the victory seemed to hollow and empty.

the streets painted with a facade of happiness and cheer and coloured in broken promises were not worth the price they cost. 

the only thing tubbo wanted was Tommy by his side.

reaching a hand up to his cold, pale cheek, tubbo could feel it being painted with bitter water and his mouth could taste the salt. tubbo didn't even realise he'd started crying.

it was just so... empty.

most likely it was not befitting of a president to cry but tubbo couldn't bring himself to care. lmanberg was nothing more then a shattered husk of broken dreams to him. 

the once bright streets seemed grey and dull under the light of thick, heavy cloud.

tubbo didn't care anymore.

the funeral he was attending was small with only a small crowd gathered. every person wearing a mask of solemn silence and standing stock still, a picture of black against the grey sky.

Tommy would have hated it.

tubbo let out a strangled sob at the thought.

he would have fucking hated it.

Tommy hated standing still for long periods of time, especially for boring things that didn't involve fighting or banter. he would hate hated the black suits that everyone adorned. he would have despised seeing everyone upset.

deep down Tommy was a caring guy, tubbo knew this. tubbo knew if Tommy was here he would know exactly the words to say. 

he would make quackity crack a smile, he would start up soft banter to lighten the mood and afterwards, when the stars hung low above, he would have brought tubbo to their bench and sat with him as long as he needed.

but he wasn't here.

the heavy silence the hung in the busy but empty air showed the gap that was never to be filled.

tubbo was tired, he was just so tired.

when quackity started frantically motioning at something tubbo couldn't even bring himself to care, couldn't bring himself to see. too wrapped up in indulgent self flagellation.

quackity gripped him roughly by the shoulders. "tubbo." he said and extended a slightly shaky finger upwards. "look." tubbo slowly followed his line of gaze up to the top of a hill. there stood in all of his glory was the main pig man himself.

technoblade.

tubbo should be nervous at this point. he should be rallying his men to fight. he should be full of passion but instead all he feels is a cold and empty numb.

"what's all this nonesense about?" techno asked, his monotone voice thick with smug sinicism, "you havin' a party or somethin' Mr president?" he asked, putting emphasis on the last word, practically begging for tubbos passionate response.

tubbo shrugged listlessly.

techno frowned and some of his bravado fell from his stance.

"this is no fun if you arent gonna respond Mr president." he said, his voice sounding disappointed, with only a slight mocking edge. "what happened here anyway?" the pig man asked, looking around, "you're acting like someone died or somethin' " his last line was delivered in a holy tone but the words fell flat into a silent and solemn crowd.

tubbo closed his eyes. he was so tired.

he could feel technos eyes peering intently into him.

"it's for Tommy." tubbo said blankly. even after everything techno was still Tommy's brother, he deserved to know.

"what d'ya mean it's for Tommy?" techno asked, genuine perplexion filling his low voice.

"he's dead techno" tubbo responded. his voice was shaky and soft. saying those words out loud seemed so... final.

silence greeted that announcement and tubbo inwardly braced himself for technos outburst but instead sharp laugh cut through the thick air.

"you're kiddin' right?" techno asked. inside him tubbo could feel anger rise within him. logically he knew the feelings were irrational but he couldn't help the hot feeling of burning rage fill his stomach.

"I'm not kidding." he bit out shortly, begging internally for the pig man to leave him alone.

"what do you mean head dead tubbo? he's not dead hes-" technos words got cut off as tubbo exploded in badly contained and hot anger.

"HES DEAD TECHNO!" tubbo screamed, "HES GONE! I had to bury my best friend today. in a PIT in the ground. he died ALONE thinking no one was there for him. I failed him, WE failed him. NO ONE STOOD BY HIS SIDE!"

"tubbo-"

"SHUT UP TECHNOBLADE! LISTEN TO SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THEN YOUR FAT HEAD FOR ONCE! he's GONE. I left him. YOU ABANDOND HIM! and now I'm NEVER going to see him again."

"tubbo-"

"I'm just a fucking pathetic failure, you were right. all this presidency has done is ruin and destroy and it's all my fault. and now he's gone, he's gone-"

"TUBBO!" tubbos rambling speech was cut short by a heavy hand landing on his shoulder. slowly looking up tubbo could see a pair of crimson red eyes, filled with soft concern, staring down at him. 

"tubbo, Tommy's still alive." techno said. his voice was sure and steady and slightly confused, "he's living with me and-"

"but I saw his death place. I saw how he died." tubbo said, his throat tight and eyes wet.

tubbo watched as techno brought slow hand up to his face and brought it slowly down, groaning slightly.

"look, kid, I don't know what kinda stuff you've trick yourself into believin' but you didn't see what you thought. just- just follow me" the pig man said in an exasperated tone, grabbing tubbos arm and dragging him along behind.

"hey you can't just kidnap the president! especially at a time like this. have you no shame technoblade?" quackitys furious voice said into the cold air, "what right do you think you have to come here-"

"what right!?" techno asked. for the first time in the whole conflict tubbo could hear that it had lost it's monotone sound, "what right?" he repeated again, incredulously, "do you not see what we're doing? how ridiculous this is? here we have a 16 year old kid and you want him to mourn a proxy death and be your president."

quackity looked distinctively uncomfortable.

"I-"

"none of this should have happened. I'm only realising this now, too late. we've all failed here. it should never be at the point that I have a 16 year old breaking down over a death like this." technos nose flared and his state was icy cold, almost daring the others to respond. 

"this is so stupid, so dumb. that were traumatising teenagers over so dumb fucking war that they shouldn't even be fighting. and I'm putting this to a stop now. it's over"

with that techno dragged tubbo after him, hands clenched around his arm almost too tightly and muttering something about "need some goddamn therapy around here."

when the duo stepped through the nether portal techno dropped his grip on tubbo. tubbo could feel himself sway on his feet and watched as the nether spun slowly around him.

for a place so warm it felt so, so cold.

tubbo shivered and flinched back when a large hand reached over his forehead.

"damn you're burning up kid." came technos concerned voice, "when was the last time you slept?" 

tubbo couldnt answer, instead just staring up at the man's soft expression and trying to keep his balance as the world whirled around him.

"I'm okay" tubbo said, his voice raspy and croaky. these words only seemed to concern the pig man more and his eyebrows furrowed into a frown. 

"tubbo-"

"oh" tubbo interrupted as his knees gave out below him, "I appear to be on the floor." The floor. the floor that was so warm and inviting and tubbo could feel his eyes slowly closing.

as the white noise raised around him tubbo could feel an alarmed voice call out to him as he faded to the land of nod.


	2. I'll hold you close to me

when tubbo next awoke it was like a jug of ice cold water had been poured on him and the fog from his mind had been cleared to pure clarity. 

looking around the room he was placed in, it seemed very strangly decorated. the walls were a patchwork of colours with all sorts of strange decorations including a scratched bell (one that only closer inspection looked strangely similar to the prime church bell)

shaking his head tubbo frowned and pulled the bedcovers off of himself, shivering as his body hit the cold air.

he didn't know what techno wanted from him by taking him ransom like this but it couldn't be anything good.

stepping carefully onto the cold stone floor tubbo slowly made his way to the strange wooden doors across the room.

he needed to get back to lmanberg.

he needed to see to his people.

he needed to-

Tommy.

a thick feeling rose in tubbos stomach but he shoved it down and shook his head.

that was for later.

after jiggling the wooden door handles a few times tubbo gave up - it was locked. looking around the room he spotted a tall thin and somewhat intimidating looking steep ladder leant against a small opening in the ceiling.

tubbo was about to make his way over when he heard voices coming from above him. they were muffled due to the thick stone and his heart leapt to his throat as he heard creeking footsteps move slowly down the old ladder.

clenching his eyes shut, tubbo froze. stuck in only bedclothes with no weapon-

he was useless.

tubbo could hear the voices pause as they reach the bottom of the ladder and faltering steps make their way towards him before stopping as he clenched himself tighter.

"tubbo?" 

tubbo gasped and his eyes flew open. he recognised that voice but it couldn't be- it was too good to be true.

there standing there, with a bemused and concerned frown on his face, was Tommy. an alive and moving Tommy.

tears slipping slowly down his face, tubbo could only stare and his friend.

"Tommy?" he asked, his voice light as a feather full of disbelief. it couldn't be, it was just too good to be true, it-

"yeah tubbo?" Tommy answered, his concern seemingly only growing. 

the two stared at each other silently for a moment before tubbo launched himself at Tommy, wrapping his arms around his long lost friend and sobbing loudly.

he could sense Tommy's confusion but the boy hesitantly returned the hug, gently patting the smaller boy on his upper back.

for a few minutes the duo just stood entwined until tubbos choked sobs slowly became quieter and turned into soft hiccups.

stepping back, tubbo rubbed his red eyes and gave his friend a wobbly smile.

"I'm sorry. I think I got your clothes wet." he said obviously. Tommy blinked for a few seconds before letting out a soft laugh.

"I don't care about that tubbo. are you alright?" he asked, his voice very strangely gentle. tubbo just smiled up at his friend.

"I'm alright now." he said simply before shivering a bit, "at least I will be." his voice the most sure it had been since before the funeral.

"tubbo-"

"tommy-"

bother boys started and blinked at each other before bursting out into lilting laughter.

"you first big t, you first." Tommy said and waves his hand at his smaller friend.

"I- I missed you Tommy." tubbo said, his voice trembling slightly "those days where I thought you were dead I-" he stopped and took a deep breath in, "they were the hardest and longest I've ever been through. I'm- I'm just- I'm so sorry Tommy" he rushed out.

"huh? what are you sorry for?" Tommy asked, obliviously

"I'm sorry for exiling you. I'm sorry for not being a good friend. I'm sorry for choosing some dumb city over you. I'm sorry for not checking on you. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for everything." tubbo couldn't meet Tommy's eyes.

"you were a bit of a dick tubbo" Tommy started bluntly. tubbo flinched slightly. "BUT you're not the only one who has to apologise." tubbo snapped his neck up in surprise and peered at his tall friend.

"what do you mean?" tubbo asked.

"I mean... like... I guess, I didn't listen to you either. I spoke over you . I was loud and I didn't listen to you or give you the respect you deserved. you're my friend tubbo. I don't want to fight like this anymore" the last words were filled with a deep world weariness.

"I don't want to either Tommy. I don't want to fight anymore wars." tubbo said in a tired voice.

"then don't." Tommy said simply, "if you don't want to fight and I don't want to fight let's not fight. you can stay here with me and techno and we could spend our days in peace" Tommy's eyes were alight with first passion, "how does that sound?"

tubbo bit his lip and looked away from his friends bright eyes.

"but I'm president tommy-"

"president schmesident" Tommy interrupted, waving his hands dismissively. "any guy can be president. let someone else take the mantle. give it up for awhile. enjoy being a teenager" Tommy stopped and took a breath in, "enjoy being my friend again."

and looking into Tommy's wide eyes and seeing his uncertain smile tubbo already knew his decision had been made.

for once he was going to choose his own needs. for once he was going to live his own path.

as the duo spent the lazy afternoon discussion future plans for bee farms and crazy towers, with the gentle humming of a disc in the background, the thoughts of lmanberg faded from tubbos mind.

and part of him knew, he had rediscovered home.

he might be a bit more cracked and damaged then before, with new scars over his young face, but he was still Tommy. and that was enough for tubbo.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed
> 
> I'm very sleep deprived


End file.
